Rachael's Story

Rachael, her husband Mark, and their twin girls

Mark and Rachael's 3rd child

This past May, I celebrated my three year wedding anniversary with my husband, Mark, and in early August we welcomed our third child into this world. I didn't always know my vocation and my ultimate goal was to be married with children. Certainly the majority of my life growing up that is exactly what I wanted, but it wasn't something I inherently knew and was drawn to from the beginning.

There was a period of time towards the end of middle school and the beginning of high school where I seriously considered the religious life as my vocation. I sought out nuns at conferences, prayed for God to show me the way, and studied the life of Mother Teresa and various orders that I would potentially be called to. Interestingly enough, my husband was also seriously considering the religious life around the same time I was. We grew up together and attended the same parish and youth conferences. We vaguely knew that we were both considering it, but never sat down and had lengthy conversations about it. After a while, I found myself slowly drifting away from the idea of the religious life. There was no doubt that it was a fulfilling and rewarding vocation and while I had tremendous respect for the women who chose this life, I wasn't finding any peace with the idea of it.

"After a while, I found myself slowly drifting away from the idea of the religious life."

One of the biggest reasons I changed paths was the desire for children of my own. I will say, though, that many people I had spoken to mentioned that as a nun, you have more "spiritual children" than any one person can have on their own and you can certainly still find fulfillment, love, and connections with these children in similar ways as a mother can with her biological child. While I knew all this, I kept finding myself drawn to the idea of my own family unit - having a loving husband as my partner and children that we could call our own and be responsible for the duty of raising them as Disciples of Christ. More and more an image stuck in my mind of sitting at our church and having my family sitting together in a line along a pew, celebrating mass together. It was always the same scene and it brought such peace and joy to my heart that I knew, deep down, I was being called to marriage.

During this whole discernment process, Mark and I had always been friends; over the course of the years our friendship had deepened and become stronger than most of my other friendships. He was my best friend and we talked to each other about anything and everything, coming to each other with our hurts, complaints, and accomplishments. There was never any judgement and with him I had always felt at home. There was always this unspoken "rule" between my parents that I wouldn't date in high school. It never bothered me because, honestly, no one ever showed any interest. As a typical high school girl, I always hoped that someone would, especially when dances rolled around, but looking back I am really grateful that I was able to spend my high school career focused on my studies and developing my friendships rather than absorbing all of my focus into a relationship.

"[W]ith him I had always felt at home."

As high school was coming to an end for me, I knew that going to college was a new step and a new direction to focus on my vocation. I still had a deep crush on my best friend that in my heart I felt was more than a crush. I started praying a courtship prayer through the intercession of St. Raphael (who happens to be the Saint of my parish) every single day that God would show me the way and prepare myself and my spouse for each other in His time. That was the hardest thing for me was knowing that even if I felt ready to find my spouse that God had other plans. I was afraid to go to college and have that distance between Mark and I that could potentially ruin any chance I had of dating him. Instead of focusing on that though, I steadily prayed my courtship prayer and put everything into God's hands.

"I...put everything into God's hands."

It was hard, I won't lie about that - even now I have a hard time with letting go of things and placing them in God's hands and saying, "Here you go, God. Do with this what you will and I will patiently await your answer." As high school drew to a close and I got my acceptance letter to Ave Maria University, things got more difficult to accept. Mark knew that my going away to college meant that we would see each other less and from what we talked about later, he was doing the exact same thing I was by praying my courtship prayer - he was putting it in God's hands and saying, "God, I really love this girl, but if it's not meant to be I don't want to stand in the way of her vocation. Do with us what you will."

As it happened, we stayed best friends after I moved to college and I was able to see him at least once a month. After I had been there for a while, he ended up asking my dad for permission to court me and we officially started dating! Growing up together really prepared us for a relationship in so many ways in that we already knew so much about each other and already had great communication lined up. Like any new couple, we had little kinks and traits that we had to work through (and still do now!), but we both always knew in our hearts that our end goal was marriage. I don't mean to say that in a cliche way at all, but there was so much peace and certainty in that thought - it was never scary, never doubted, and never questioned. I think a big part of that was even while we were dating we were still always praying for each other and praying for God's will in our lives. Marriage was something we both wanted and given that our whole relationship and friendship revolved around the church (that's where we met, he was homeschooled until college so I only saw him on the weekends) it was never odd to us to be praying about our relationship and openly and frequently talking about our goals.

"We both always knew...that our end goal was marriage."

One of the biggest things I have gotten from being with Mark is a closer relationship to God. I have always been involved in Church life; my mother is the youth minister at our parish so I literally grew up there and my summers were spent on the church grounds almost every day. I always prayed and talked to God, but being with Mark led me to have deeper conversations with Him. I knew that I couldn't just ask for what I wanted and then expect God to follow through. I learned to let things go and ask God to show me what He wanted for my life. Even though I always wanted Mark to be the one who I would marry, I prayed for God to take the wheel and, even if it wasn't supposed to be Mark, lead me to my future husband. It was a long journey and one I will never regret.

The other thing is that I never had a boyfriend before Mark. A lot of times that hurt - especially in high school when almost all of my friends had a boyfriend - and I felt unloved and unworthy. Having Mark as my best friend drew me into a more confident self.  I realized that I didn't need to have a boyfriend to feel loved. God created me uniquely and there was no one else quite like me. That was something I always knew and appreciated, but seeing everyone else in relationships made me question if anyone else saw that.

One of my favorite things about my relationship with Mark was that dawning realization when we were in that weird phase between best friends and dating where I knew how much he cared for me and how much he loved exactly who I was as a person. He told me constantly how great I was and how different I was than other girls he knew. He constantly praised my dedication to our faith, my modesty, and my loyalty to family and friends. Our friendship allowed me to see myself in a different light - really in the light that I should have seen myself from all along, but never had enough self-confidence to see it. I saw myself the way God created me to be, unique and unrepeatable. I was beautiful in the eyes of God and that lent itself to the way I felt about the world. I started becoming more confident in myself and stopped regretting that I didn't have a boyfriend or that no one asked me to dances. I stopped worrying about when or if I would ever get married or when or if I would ever be asked out. I stopped worrying about the time frame and started living my life. I grew deeper in love with Mark and when he finally asked me to marry him, there was so much peace and joy I felt like I was floating on clouds for the whole week. All of my prayers had finally come to fruition and what used to be prayers of patience and waiting turned into prayers of thanksgiving.

"I saw myself the way God created me to be"

While I didn't always know that marriage would be my vocation, when I started seriously praying about it and began to know that it was calling to me, I discovered in myself so many traits that I overlooked that pointed to my vocation. I had always been motherly towards my friends and my family friends' children. It was always instinct to me to care for someone who had been hurt or lend an ear to someone going through a difficult time. I also knew, through my friendship with Mark, that I really valued having a partner that I could talk things through with and have a healthy and honest conversation about things I was struggling with. I liked having that balance of sharing responsibility with another person. I worked better as a team than I did on my own. I always felt such joy when I saw a family together enjoying even the mundane things like a grocery trip, or seeing them celebrate mass together, and I knew in my heart that I was being called to that same life.

Discovering your vocation and patiently waiting to be led to it is not an easy task. I don't think that it is meant to be either. Through our struggles and our confusion, through our anxiety over what we are supposed to be doing with our lives, God is offering us such a wonderful opportunity to trust in Him, to look deeper into ourselves and find what we were created to be - sisters, wives, or the religious lay person. By uniting with the Lord in prayer and offering Him all of our hopes and dreams, we lay the foundation to finding our vocation. We are giving all of ourselves to God and starting with a clean slate where, instead of having our idea of what we are meant to be on display, we allow God to form the pieces of the path that will lead us to our end goal. For me, my friendship with Mark helped me find peace and acceptance in the single life, to focus on seeing myself the way others saw me, and to be able to love myself the way I should have loved myself all along.  Through that discovery, I was able to let go of my worries and anxiety about whether I would ever get married and instead sit back and enjoy my life while God was leading me towards my future spouse, who ended up being by my side through it all.

"For me, my friendship with Mark helped me...to be able to love myself the way I should have loved myself all along."

I never regret a single step on my path here - through all the stress, all the worry, and all the anxiety there were also so many "aha" moments where I discovered parts of myself that had previously been hidden. I found my talents for helping people, for being there when someone just needed to talk, and for loving others the way I wanted to be loved.  I finally saw myself in a better light and subconsciously changed my whole perspective on who I was as a person, which in turn lent itself to being a brighter, more positive, and confident woman.  I wish I could have gone through that transformation so much earlier - middle school and high school years can be so tough on a kid!

Looking back on how this whole process of waiting and trusting in the Lord led me to the happiest place I can be makes it a little easier to apply that same outlook on things I struggle with now.

My piece of advice to all young women yearning to discover their vocation is: patience and peace. I know it can be a Herculean effort sometimes to just let things go and wait, especially when it seems that that is exactly what you have been doing for the better part of your life. Let things go, one by one, and trust that by trusting in God, He will lead you along the right path. Look into yourselves and discover those hidden traits and talents. Take all of your worries and anxiety to God and ask Him to do with you what He will. Deeply and seriously set yourselves in prayer for each vocation individually. Are you feeling called to the religious life? Let go of any preconceived notions that you want to have a fairytale love, focus specifically on the religious life and all the good that could come out of that and search your heart for peace. Is there a certain aspect of the life that you can't come to terms with? Is it impossible to picture yourself in a habit as a nun? If you find no peace with the notion, don't give up and assume it isn't meant to be! Take a break and instead focus your prayers on married life - can you picture your life as a wife, as a mother? Can you find peace in this discovery? If not, do the same with the religious single life. One by one you should be able to step away from a vocation and find where you are most at peace.

Turn to God and to Mary if you are still struggling to discover your vocation. Trust in Him and never give up hope! Your period of waiting and uncertainty could be a time to look deeper inside yourselves and a time to prepare yourself better for your vocation. God never abandons us in our need - trust that He is leading you in the right direction, even if you have no idea which way is up. You will get there, sisters!

"Trust in Him and never give up hope."

I pray for all of you young women who are struggling to find your purpose in life. I remember the feeling and I want you to know that you are not alone! Uniting together with fellow young women can be another great way to discover your vocation or simply to have the support of people who are in your shoes. Trust in God, trust in yourself, and know that you are created exactly as you are meant to be and your specific talents and traits will be perfectly suited to your vocation. You are perfect as you are and don't let the distractions of society or the people around you dictate your life or give you cause to despair! I promise that one day you will find your vocation and you will find peace with it. God bless all of you and know that you are in my prayers!